Mikki's Blog - Living in the Grace and Love of God » Birthdays

Good Morning 2010

Mikki — Fri, 01 Jan 2010 12:55:42 +0000

2009 is gone, and I have awakened unto 2010. I stop this morning to reflect on 2009 and look forward to 2010. As a matter of accountability, I’ve already looked back at the goals I set for 2009 to see how I did in regard to them. I am pleased. 2009 was a year of continued change for me. Certainly I didn’t score 100% but in my blog, Welcoming 2009, I notice that I gave myself permission to resolve to resolve imperfectly! So I did not fail.

I often use Proverbs 24:16 when I teach about the Christian life. This verse tells us that even though a righteous person may fall seven times, they shall rise again. It then goes on to contrast the righteous person’s response to failure with the wicked person’s response to failure and states that the wicked are overcome by their failure and calamity. I love to use this verse to teach believers that even though we may fall and stumble, the ongoing direction of our life should be toward godliness. I often draw a graph which illustrates the highs and lows of the Christian life.

So with a backwards glance at 2009, I look now to 2010. What are my goals for this year? I think of the old adage which says, “If you aim at nothing, you are sure to hit it.”

So here is my aim:

1. To know myself more deeply, because in knowing my own heart I gain the ability to know God and others in real ways

2. To pursue a deeper understanding of God’s grace

3. To face my shortcomings and failures truthfully with a willingness to change

4. To have a goal of progress, instead of perfection

5. To give love and support to others and receive the love and support of others

6. To recognize things that keep me from growing, such as denial and fear, and then move through and beyond them

7. To use the influence I have on others in ways that lead them into a deeper relationship with God and others

8. To be increasingly less religious and more Christ-like

9. To continue to break the power of the past

10.To live within my limits

11.To learn to easily identify what I am feeling inside

12.To allow Christ to change me

13.To resolve conflict in clear, direct, and respectful ways

14.To admit when I am wrong and ask for forgiveness

15.To be able to enter others’ worlds and feelings, connecting deeply with them

16.To truly listen when others speak and sincerely try to hear their heart

17.To love well, beginning with loving myself as Christ taught

18.To read and receive from others who are life-giving

19.To enjoy myself

Well, maybe that list is a little long, but it is a true reflection of my heart and is a reflection of what I learned in 2009.

Journey on my fellow pilgrim! 2010 awaits us.

When Dying …

Mikki — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 14:13:10 +0000

To everything there is a season,

A time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born,

And a time to die; Ecclesiastes 3

We, as humans, live with the knowledge that one day we will die.

Maybe I am thinking about this since I am about to have my 50^th birthday. Now I am not planning to die anytime soon, but I am beginning to live with the realization that I am aging. I must admit it is bothering me a little. I have told all my friends and family that there better not be any black balloons at my birthday party. I may be aging, but I am not dying and I do not want to cry at my party.

Some of my family and friends have been asking me what I’d like to receive as a gift on this special birthday. When my daughter-in-law asked what I wanted, I gave her the name of an anti-aging cream!

I don’t think of myself as, well, older. In some ways, I still think I am that invincible teenager who could fearlessly climb to the top of a cheerleading pyramid. Surely I am still that young girl who woke up at 6 a.m. ready to conquer the day and needing no coffee to do so.

But I have come to accept, reluctantly, that my body is aging. I have joints that ache, mostly from jumping off pyramids! And my body says that it would have been much wiser to have taken better care of it before now.

It is difficult to live with the realization that everyone eventually dies when you are very young. But as we age, we begin to have this understanding that are bodies are temporal, and yet we believe and know that we are more than just a physical body. We are body, soul, and spirit.

So as I find myself about to turn 50, I also find that my “inner person” is becoming more alive, more understanding, more fulfilled, more confident. I recently read an interesting study from a group of sociologists at the University of Chicago which found that senior adults are more content than any other age group – despite their aches, pains, and accumulated losses. The study stated that the odds of being happy increased 5 percent with every 10 years of age.

I noticed this recently at our church. We had a class on ballroom dancing. It was beautiful to see those who are slightly my senior having so much fun as we ventured out from ballroom dancing to the Electric Slide. I could just sense their confidence in themselves. Despite a few aching joints, they went for it! And they went for the Cupid Shuffle, and the Swing, and anything else that was thrown at them. At times we laughed until tears ran down our cheeks, and I could sense the joy and contentment in my older friends.

So even though I am not a senior adult, and I refuse to accept any of those senior adult discounts, I find a sense of being content in my own skin at 50 that I didn’t have at 30. (Suddenly I am finding a new confidence in Dillard’s department store. They have an ad that plays over the sound system declaring, “Did you know that 50 is the new 30?”) I find that I am less concerned about what others think and more at peace with my own heart. I find that as I realize there is a time to die, I long to make a difference in the days I live. People are more important than things, and enjoying the present moment is easier. I realize, in a new way, that my life is about my relationships with God, others, and myself.

I am living more with purpose in mind. As the puzzle pieces of life snap together, I see the picture more clearly. I take more time for enjoying people and less for work.

I guess I am growing up. My dreams are less about success and more about living. I am planning new things, like going to Thailand to help with the work in ministering to young girls who have been sold into the sex slave market. I am less content to live for less than something purposeful.

Because there is a time to die, I want my life to count.

I have been gripped recently by the thought that when I die and my life is reflected upon by others (hopefully!), what would I want that to look like? If I live with dying in mind, how would that change the way I live? If I could write my own epitaph, what would I say? And could I live that epitaph?

So as a challenge to myself and as a way to set my mark on my goal, here is what I would want it to say.

She loved well

And lived fully

She never ceased to grow emotionally, mentally, and spiritually

Although she has now changed worlds,

Before she left she changed us

By learning to live in peace

And purpose

With integrity

And courage

Regrets, imperfections, pain, and failure

Led her to live in grace and love, mercy and kindness

As she lived learning to love herself and others

With the love which now has transformed her to heaven

Where she is completely free and fully alive

So if I can write my epitaph (It will have to be a big tombstone; you know I don’t write short stories!), I pray I can learn to live it. Okay, I admit that I have an issue with control but I release my family ahead of time from any real expectation of using my pre-written epitaph.

What would you want your epitaph to say? Perhaps some of you will take the time to write your own epitaph and set your mark on living it as well.

Birthday Ambivalence

Mikki — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 02:30:35 +0000

Today is my birthday. I am 49.

My birthday is always filled with ambivalence as I feel a sense of sadness because my twin brother, Mike, is no longer here on the earth with me. I miss him and regret not spending more time with him and helping him more through his difficult seasons. And strangely enough, today was my adopted parents’ wedding anniversary. So I miss my father today, too. I wish I could feel his hug and hear his laugh. And I’ve lost so many relationships this last year.

And this past year was so difficult. Not a year I would ever want to relive.

Yet birthdays are supposed to be for celebrating. I have much to celebrate.

My marriage is stronger. Eddie and I have endured the storms this year and learned much about ourselves. We have learned new communication skills and better ways to cherish one another. We are finding that as we always knew, marriage is hard work – like all real relationships. But we have found a more precious intimacy with each other that is bringing me much joy.

My children are doing well. Andrew is married and has his own business. I have watched him mature into such a strong, talented young man. I always say he was my best birthday gift ever as he was born on Dec. 9, and I brought him home from the hospital on my birthday. I have always been amazed at what a wonderful person he is in spite of my lack of parenting skills with a first-born child.

His wife, Anna Laura, was a beautiful gift this year. I couldn’t have picked a more precious daughter-in-law. I love her as one of mine. Andrew always has the best taste!

Kara Beth graduated from UNA last night. Even though she finished this past summer, she “walked” last night. She graduated summa cum laude. A member of Phi Kappa Phi – the top academic honor society. Got her smarts from her mother! – ha. She is now working on her Master’s degree from the University of Alabama and continues to shine there. The best part, though, is her beautiful inside. She helped me so much this last year by telling me I did not have to be strong for her. I could just be real and fall apart when I needed to. From daughter to friend.

Elliott turned 16 last month. He is such a tender, compassionate young man. He puts his cheek up against mine and hugs me in the sweetest of ways. He “loves” on me every day. What a gift from a 16 year old! I have watched him grow up a lot this year. He is great at communicating his heart. He has chosen some great mentors and friends.

Nathan is my baby. Well, I know he is 13, but he is still my baby. It is amazing to watch his mind tick. Resourceful, intelligent, – a lot like McGyver. The life of the party. He also brings me such joy!

I have the greatest friendships of my life. People who are willing to be real.

My spiritual community is blossoming.

I’ve found a gift this year as I began writing to express my heart. I’ve found a great joy in writing. Drawing aside to write is like sitting down with a close friend. It brings me such fulfillment and pleasure.

I am working on a Masters Degree in Professional Counseling. Last year, I learned how much having the right tools to help others can mean. I love being with people and I am so excited about adding another dimension to my understanding of life and people. I am really happy to find I can still “cut the mustard” even though I feel “ancient”.

So if I am ambivalent, I guess it is okay. Great losses and great gains. But I can’t really stop the hands of time, can I? I grieve the losses and treasure the gains. And I must believe that 2009 will be a better year and that God will continue His work in me.