Mikki's Blog - Living in the Grace and Love of God » Crisis

Five Tangible Ways to Show You Care

Mikki — Tue, 10 May 2011 14:15:51 +0000

Following the tornadoes of April 27, story after story after story of the pain and devastation is being told by Alabamians, from newspapers to facebook to one on one encounters. I was privileged this week to have an opportunity to listen to some of those traumatic stories as survivors struggled to put words to their emotions.

Trauma.

We might define it as an event outside the range of normal human experience which has the potential to cause long-lasting effects.

Such an ‘event’ was April 27, 2011, when my home state of Alabama was hit unrelentingly by a series of tornadoes. It was the worst deadly tornado outbreak in U.S. history affecting seven southern states leaving at least 350 people dead and some still uncounted for.

Damage estimates are upwards of 5 billion dollars. More than 20,000 homes lost in Alabama alone. The American Red Cross rates such disasters on a scale of 1-6, with 6 being the worst. They have rated the devastation in Alabama at a 6 and are considering making a new category, a 7, to describe what has happened here.

What can we do when others’ lives are affected by such traumatic experiences, whether they are natural disasters, accidental disasters, intentional disasters, or events such as war, kidnapping, the suicide or homicide of a loved one, sexual or spousal abuse?

The following is an incomplete list of thoughts and not listed necessarily in the order of importance. I am not including prayer because I will assume that you all know prayer is appropriate and important.

1. Provide tangible care.

I am often reminded of the story of the little boy who was crying in bed during a major thunder storm. His mother came into the room and began to comfort him. In doing so, she reminded the little boy that "Jesus was with him always and he didn’t need to be afraid." In responding, the boy looked up at his mother and said "Yes, Mom, but I need Jesus with skin on."

There are times when we all need Jesus with skin on, and times when we must be Jesus with skin on to others.

Thousands of people across the U.S. have come to our area to work alongside Alabamians to provide tangible care for the hurting,becoming expressions of Jesus with skin on. The response has been overwhelming. Local agencies have had to ask people to stop bringing certain supplies. Churches everywhere are helping and working together and with relief agencies. It is a glorious hour for the body of Christ; she is shining in Alabama.

I’ll never forget how I felt after being out-of-state for two weeks for a marriage intensive when my heart was in so much pain, and I came home to find that a handful of strong, beautiful women had done everything within their power to tangibly let me know they cared. They had cleaned my house, redecorated rooms, given of their own time, money, and resources to say, “Feel the love.” They gave me chocolates and flowers. They gave of themselves – tangibly (http://mikkiblogs.com/feel-the-love/).

2. Listen.

We often rush to give people answers when what they really need is just for us to listen. Listening, while resisting the need to give answers, excuse God or others, preach or correct, can sometimes be the very best help.

Haven’t we all felt offended when we were pouring out our heart to someone because we needed a listening ear and they kept trying to fix the situation or provide pat answers or religious jargon?

We don’t always have to have answers.

The truth is that we often do not have the answer.

We can trust the One who does. Those answers are often held in the mysteries of God and to rush into someone’s pain and try to fix it too quickly can feel invalidating of the level of pain they are feeling. It is appropriate to allow people to struggle through their crisis while providing love and support. In the struggle, they can find authentic answers or the grace to live in the mystery. If they are not allowed to enter this struggle, they may later quickly abandon the cookie cutter answers we have provided them.

3. Be present.

Being present is another tangible way to show you care.

So many times, followers of Christ feel inadequate because they don’t know what to say. When I think back to the time when my brother was killed in a car accident, I can’t remember most of what was said to me, but I do remember many of the ones who made an effort to just be there for me. And referring back to point number one, I remember the women who cleaned my house and brought food and a dear lady who sorted the socks in my sock basket!

I remember how inadequate most of my community of faith felt when a dear sister lost two daughters and one of their friends in a car accident where they were burned alive. It was the greatest of horrors. I just held my friend in my arms and we both cried. It was not appropriate for me to try to give her answers on that day. She just needed the gift of my presence and my physical touch.

The book of Job recounts the story of Job’s long series of traumatic events. He had some friends show up to check on him:

Job 2:12 And when they raised their eyes from afar, and did not recognize him, they lifted their voices and wept; and each one tore his robe and sprinkled dust on his head toward heaven. 13 So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great.

Although Job’s friends did not get it right later, they did get it right when they sat with him for seven days without speaking a word. Such a response validated the greatness of his pain. There were no words.

4. Cry with them.

If you feel like crying with those who are hurting, do so! You don’t have always have to be strong for people. Authentic crying over someone else’s story says you identify with their pain.

5. Be there for the long haul when you can.

Many times after the initial crisis is over, we forget to provide care or we are uncomfortable with others’ long term pain, and yet people are still hurting. Cards, calls, and other tangible expressions are still needed and helpful.

Is there a way today that you can provide tangible care to someone who is hurting?

We can’t meet every need, but we can meet some. Will you ask God to show you what you can do?

Perhaps you are the hurting one. If so, I am praying that you will receive the tangible care of another.

Five Tangible Ways to Show You Care

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The Crucible of Deep Disappointment

Mikki — Sat, 11 Dec 2010 14:47:56 +0000

On December 4, 2010, my husband and I watched Auburn play South Carolina in the college football SEC championship game. Since I am a huge University of Alabama fan, just watching the game was a reminder of my deep disappointment that Bama was not playing instead of Auburn. However, after touching base with my personal counselor and getting some therapy, I was able to work through my feelings and watch the game anyway (just kidding!).

Auburn was favored to win, yet the game was not too one-sided until the third quarter at which time Auburn began to blow South Carolina out of the water. When the score became Auburn 35, South Carolina 14, anyone watching could almost tangibly feel South Carolina become hopeless. There was a definite turning point when disillusionment overcame South Carolina. And just in case you don’t know, the final score was Auburn 56, South Carolina 17, and I offer my congrats to Auburn.

I began to ponder this idea that there is a point at which disillusionment and disappointment become overwhelming. A point at which hopelessness sets in. A point at which we feel that we are being crushed as in a crucible.

The writer of Proverbs puts it this way: Hope deferred makes the heart sick. (Proverbs 13:12).

The Message gives us this rendition, “Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick.”

If you have lived long enough, you have probably experienced this feeling. Heartsickness. Hopelessness. Disillusionment. Despair. Deep disappointment.

Sometimes this deep disappointment is in our own self. At other times, it is in other people, and if we are truthful, at times it is even with God Himself.

What leads us to such a place of desperation and how do we move through and past it? Following are a few of my thoughts on what leads us into deep despair.

1. Unfulfilled expectations. We have many expectations in our relationships. Many of them are unspoken and often, unconscious, but when they are unmet, we feel it. I think of Jesus’ disciples who expected the awesome exhilarating ride of his ministry to end with him setting up an earthly kingdom. Certainly they experienced overwhelming disillusionment and discouragement as they watched him die on the cross and be buried.

2. Sin and its consequences lead us to despair, whether our or sin committed against us such as betrayal and broken trust.

3. Unmet needs, whether physical, financial, or emotional.

4. Pain and suffering.

How can we move beyond despair, disillusion, and disappointment? Here are some principles that I have found to help.

1. Find strength from the Word of God and His Spirit.

2. Look for the handiwork of God in it. I admit that sometimes it is almost impossible to see where God is in desperate times. Yet God has redemptive purposes in every situation. Pain and suffering open us up to carry more of God’s heart and His ever expanding plans.

3. Stay connected to people who care. During difficult seasons of our lives, we need the loving care of others to help us. Even as I say that, I know that some of you are crying, “But I don’t have anyone who cares!” I so long for that to not be true for anyone! I have stopped and prayed for you at the moment I am writing this.

4. Be kind to your own heart. Sometimes we are pretty tough on ourselves, believing that we should be “doing better”, and while self-pity can certainly creep in, there is an appropriate measure of kindness that we can give ourselves. The truth is that some days, weeks, months, and even years are just plain ole difficult. One honest look at the Bible gives plenty of examples of God’s people going through difficulty.

5. Resist the “quick fix” mentality. While my heart wishes that I could make all your problems disappear immediately, I know that much of the deep work of God in my own life has come during the darkness, the trials, and times of suffering. None of us would wish to stay in tough times, but if you find yourself there, know that God is faithful and if He has chosen not to deliver you immediately, He will walk with you as you travel through the valley.

6. Be honest. Honestly offering God your anger, doubts, fears, and even complaints, is, well, HONEST. God is honest. He can work with your honesty. Acting “religious” and pretending that we are not struggling is not helpful. God is bigger than our doubts and struggles. He is committed to working ALL things together for our good.

7. Know that much of the life of faith is unseen, unknown, and takes us down paths where we’ve never traveled before. The writer of Hebrews tells us that faith is the evidence of things not seen.

8. Hang onto the prophetic glimpses that you have been given into your future. When Adam and Eve were banished from the Garden, God gave them prophetic hope for the future. When Joseph was in prison, I believe he held onto the prophetic dreams that God had given him years before. Many times we have glimpses into what we believe God has shown us for our future. We often misinterpret those prophetic glimpses. They become increasingly clear over time.

If you find yourself unable to believe, read the Word, or offer any prayer to God, He is still on the throne. He is still able to do more than you can imagine. He is able to carry you when you have nothing left. I’ve been there before. I can testify to you that it all did not depend upon me and my strength. God is strong, loving, committed, faithful, and is not offended by our despair. He often brings us to the end of ourselves in order to reveal Himself as the true lover of our very soul. The crucible of discouragement brings us to the core of who we are and what we believe about who God is, and it is in that place that true transformation can occur.

The Crucible of Deep Disappointment

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When the Heavens Seem Silent

Mikki — Tue, 09 Nov 2010 02:15:18 +0000

“My faith is 100% gone.” This heart cry of a dear new friend of mine reverberated in my spirit.

As she recanted how difficult life had been as of late, this beautiful young woman shared her struggle with the issue of faith. As I read her words, I could completely identify with her feelings. I had been at that point before.

“Where are you, God?”

“Why are you not answering?”

“Have you abandoned me?”

“What good is prayer?”

You know the times when the heavens are silent. When all we can see or know or feel at the present moment screams that either God has abandoned us, is not real after all, or certainly doesn’t care that our heart is breaking and we are going under spiritually.

It’s like we are down for the count. Satan has us knocked down and the referee is counting to 10, waiting to declare us out of the game. Everyone is watching, whether cheering or jeering, but no one is able to reach a hand to us to help us. It’s our game. We are going under, and all we can feel is that everyone is watching, even God Himself, and no one is helping.

Our hearts screams, “DOESN’T ANYONE CARE?” “WHERE ARE YOU, GOD?”

It is the point of crisis for our faith. Will our hearts be rescued? Will we continue in our service of God or we will throw in the towel and walk away? Surely God will not allow that!

Yes, He will.

Huh? You don’t mean that God will allow my faith to be tested to the breaking point? Oh, yes He will.

Cruel? Well, it seems that way in the moment. Yet what is happening is a gift.

You might say, “How could this be a gift?” I can only share what I’ve experienced and what I have found to be true in the lives of others whom I know and those I know throughout the Word.

Here is what happens inside you during a crisis of faith: God allows you to be tested in ways that bring up every weak, wounded place in your heart and when they surface, we have an opportunity to see them, and if we will allow Him, God will heal and change us.

God invites us into this divine wrestling match after which we will never be the same. We will forever walk with a limp. Oh, we had limps before but of a different sort. Limps of our own making or the making of other humans, but this limp is a divine wounding. It has purpose.

You see, as we wrestle with God, we encounter the Powerful One. We try every defense mechanism we have. We try every coping strategy. We try every “go to” thing that we know. Nothing works. The basic cry of our heart becomes, “GOD DOES NOT CARE!”

In truth, it is His great love, His endless care, His unwavering commitment to us that has invited us into this place.

It is God’s commitment to make us into the image of His dear Son that is the overarching story of our lives.

Guess what? God is not super concerned with our comfort. Our neat theological boxes. Our questions which demand an answer. What He is concerned with is our transformation.

You might say, “So you are saying that God is abandoning me in order to change me?” Well, I am saying that it may seem God is abandoning you yet He is performing an amazing transformational work in your life.

God is committed to our deep change whether our circumstances were caused by our own sinfulness, the sinfulness of others, or the enemy himself. God is completely committed to using EVERYTHING for His glory and our good. He is the great recycler. Nothing wasted with Him!

Christ himself felt abandoned by God on the cross. “My God, My God, why have You forsaken me?” he cried. Oh, he knew the answer theologically. He knew the answer, yet in his humanity (remember he was 100% human, 100% God), he couldn’t find God in the moment. In fact, God had turned His face away. He allowed the sins of us all and of all humanity to be literally placed upon Jesus. Ever thought about how painful that must have been for God? Did He not love His son? Was He not committed to His son? Oh yes, He loved His son, yet He was willing to go through the pain of those moments in order to redeem us, in order to be with us forever.

It was His relentless love for us that allowed the moments of horrific hell.

You see God is not as concerned with His PR (public relations) as we think He should be. He is secure. He is at peace. He is. And because He is, He can be totally committed to us, love us completely, and at the same time, allow us to suffer.

Now, notice that I said allow. Every bad thing that comes into our lives is not designed by God, yet they are allowed. Our invitation is to be changed in and through the suffering.

When Peter zealously declared he’d never forsake Christ, God knew Peter had some tough days ahead. All of his fears would come up. He would fail. He would sin. He would deal with shame and guilt. And God would restore him and use him beyond his wildest imagination.

There is something about pain and suffering that has the potential to refine us, deepen our relationships with God and others, and make us kinder, gentler, more caring people. We become more humble, less self-centered, more compassionate, more Christlike. Ah, remember what I said about God’s purposes?

Surely there must be an easier way!

All I know is that in the most painful times of my life, I’ve found new depths of God, new facets of His love and faithfulness. And I find that my limp constantly reminds me of my Savior. My limp also connects me with humanity.

Romans 8:18 reminds us that the sufferings of this present moment are not to be compared to the glory which is to come. Hebrews 12 teaches that when we our lives are shaken, the things that remain cannot be shaken.

There are a few things you can be assured of.

God is able to work redemptively in whatever is happening in your life that is causing you pain.

God is not surprised. He knew this from the beginning of time. He knew all of it when he called us to Himself.

God wants to use your crisis to deepen and your relationship with Him and with others.

God has not abandoned you.

He is caring for you in ways you cannot imagine.

God is not knocked off-balance because you are struggling with your faith. He is able to deal with your doubts. He is actually pleased that the unhealed, unhealthy stuff inside you that causes you to doubt who He is coming to the surface because is in the light that God can change you. God can work when the hidden things are revealed.

So if you find yourself with no answers, exhausted, and out of faith, it may just be that you are about to discover the riches of God as never before. Wrestle on, dear friend. The limp is worth it.

When the Heavens Seem Silent

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