Do you have your list? Did the pictures in your mind come up faster than high-speed internet?

Most of us don’t have any trouble recalling the worst moments of our lives. I imagine that when I asked those questions, you not only recalled the “bad” things you have done, but you also reconnected to some feelings of shame and guilt.

A foundational truth of Christianity is that we come into relationship with God through forgiveness based on the work of Christ. We maintain the flow of fellowship both with God and man by confessing our sins and appropriating the purifying work of Christ into our daily lives.

While we may understand the role of forgiveness in our Christian walk in relation to God and to others, we may find it harder still to be aware of the need to forgive ourselves.

Woven into the fabric of our core belief system may be the unspoken, and often unrecognized, belief that refusing to forgive ourselves shows God that we realize what dirty rotten sinners we really are and agrees with God that we don’t deserve to be forgiven.

And while we are sinners and don’t deserve forgiveness apart from Christ, through Christ we become righteous and through his grace, we are offered forgiveness. Living in that forgiveness means that we acknowledge that God offers us radical, undeserved forgiveness and we cannot make ourselves more deserving of that forgiveness by holding ourselves prisoner to past mistakes.

What are the practical implications in our lives when we have not forgiven ourselves for things for which God has forgiven us?

·         The flow of grace in our hearts is blocked because we are, in essence, saying that our standard is higher than God’s.  The unspoken, unconscious belief is that, “Yes, God has forgiven me, but that is not sufficient to pay for my sin. I must cling to my ‘guilty’ verdict to prove that I know I don’t deserve His forgiveness.” There is a false pride which basically exalts our standard for forgiveness over God’s standard.  It suggests that while God says that Christ’s sacrifice is sufficient for my forgiveness with Him, it is not sufficient for me to forgive myself which basically exalts our own over Christ.

·         Refusing to forgive ourselves keeps us ‘stuck’, joined to the painful event in a way that doesn’t allow us to move forward in our lives.

·         Refusing to forgive ourselves hinders our ability to receive God’s mercy and grace.

·         Mires us in self-condemnation, self-hate, self-rejection, shame and false-guilt.

·         Leads us to believe, at a core level, that God really doesn’t forgive us either.

·         Promotes a wrong view of God as being unreachable, unconcerned or powerless to help.

·         Promotes a wrong view of God as One who desires to condemn and punish us.

·         Leads us to ‘give up’ in our relationship with God.

·         Exalts our penance over Christ’s redemption.

So what is the most stupid thing you’ve ever done? The most harmful? The absolute worst mistake?

As you picture “it” and feel “it”, will you explore whether or not you’ve truly released yourself from “it”?

If you’ve asked for God’s forgiveness through His son Jesus Christ, and made things right with others when needed, forgive yourself.  Step into God’s grace and live in His freedom. Experiencing the full reality of His forgiveness comes when we extend that forgiveness to our own hearts.

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As I sat at the table with other Christian women leaders, I was surprised that they were such fire balls! They apparently had lots of anger! I, on the other hand, scored “anger avoidance” as my style of dealing with anger. I didn’t really think that was such a bad thing. I mean, after all, I was a godly woman. I was extremely patient. I almost never spoke sharply to anyone and had lots of grace for others. Well, as it turns out, I had a lot to learn about how to deal with my anger and what healthy anger was.

Just a short time later, my world crashed. I was drawn into a whirlwind of pain, gossip, betrayal, fear, threats, and just plain lack of people skills and Christian love, and my anger style kicked into overdrive!

A couple of months later, I sat with a counselor who gently poked and prodded and tried to help me express my anger. He encouraged me to throw something or raise my voice or whatever might be an appropriate expression of my anger. I could not do it. I was unable. Tears streamed down my face, but I couldn’t say anything.

Months later, my unexpressed anger had turned inward and led me deep into depression and suicidal thoughts. It literally took me more than a year to begin to express my anger and much longer than that to really accept my feelings. It is still somewhat of a challenge for me to learn to recognize anger, act on it, and let it go in healthy appropriate ways.

I have since begun to understand that I had adopted this anger style from my earliest days. There are many anger styles or ways that people handle their anger, from hidden styles to explosive styles to chronic styles.

My style, anger avoidance, represents people who are partly or mostly unaware/unaccepting of their anger. Explosive styles represent those who periodically demonstrate their anger and aggression through dramatic outbursts, and chronic styles are used by people who have developed long-term anger patterns that keep them angry, bitter, and resentful (Letting Go of Anger by Ronald Potter-Efron).

I have learned that my anger is a signal that is worth listening. Many women have learned, just as I had, to silence their anger, deny it, or express it in ways that leaves them helpless and powerless. I now know that the things we bury alive inside us, whether anger, resentment, fear, or any or an entire range of emotions, never die but are still actively affecting how we act, think, feel, and react to life.

What does God think about our anger?

Here are some thoughts for your consideration (some of which comes from Pierre Wolff’s thoughts):

1.      1. God is a God of communication. He speaks. He invites us to speak with Him.

2.      2. Without communication, we cannot have a real relationship with anyone.

3.      3. Indifference and neutrality kill communication and relationship and makes us feel that we do not exist and that people do not care.

4.      4. Anger is a form of communication.

5.      5. If we don’t deal properly with our anger, it will consume us- not the person with whom we are angry.

6.      6. Undealt with anger, hatred, bitterness, and unforgiveness make it impossible for us to see clearly      (Matthew 7).

7.       7. It can be helpful to appropriately express anger to the one who caused it. Doing so can bring healing. At times, this is inappropriate or impossible. God is able to heal our hearts. The more intimate the relationship, the greater the need/possibility for a real conversation about the hurt.

8.      8. To express strong negative feelings (appropriately) to another person, demonstrates our faith that the relationship can endure the truth of who I am and how I truly feel because my feelings of hurt (the root of most anger) are there because I care about the person who hurt me.

9.      9. We must be led by God for the timing, the place, the tone of our voice, and the intelligent expression of our heart as we express our anger.  It is usually a good idea to pray a while before we react.

10.  10, An honest encounter, even a fiery one, with the person we are angry with is more healing than talking to a hundred people who don’t really understand and who can’t totally put themselves into our place.

11.   11.God invites us into this kind of honest relationship with Him. His Word gives us the examples of Job, David, and Jesus himself, who express honest questions, complaints, and negative emotions to God.  Pierre Wolff, in his little book May I Hate God?  (written for those in pain, struck by tragedy, etc.), says that “The main question in my prayer life is not whether I am right or wrong, whether my words are good or bad. It is simply whether I love my Father enough to tell him everything in my heart, whether I believe in the immensity of a love which can understand and welcome any expression of my sorrow.”

Honest anger can deepen your spiritual life. It can be a key to intimacy and freedom with God and others.

How honest are you with yourself? With your spouse? Your friends? God? 

I’d love to hear your thoughts on your anger style and any questions you might have!

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This is a land of great darkness, but more than that, it is a land of great need of the light of God’s love. Our ministry here has focused on sharing the love of God to the people of Thailand and also to Jason and Sarah Ricketts, who are missionaries here.

I have walked the streets of Pattaya where there are thousands of prostitutes and hundreds of bars. Men come here from around the world for sex. Young girls and boys sell their bodies in order to make money. They are often illiterate and have no marketable skills other than their very body. The damage to their souls is beyond measure. Yet there are some here who are endeavoring to share God’s love. They teach free English classes. They teach marketable skills. They provide counseling for the trauma; most of the young girls have been raped more than once. So many have come here in order to honor their families by providing financially for them. That is important in this culture. Most families know their girls come here to work in the bars. They know their girls will become prostitutes. It is an acceptable means of employment. However, most know nothing of the horrors these young girls will experience. And once the girls experience the horrors of prostitution, instead of honor, they find intense shame and feel unable to go back to their families. Isnt’ that the enemy’s classic strategy? Empty promises and bondage in the very place you thought would bring freedom.

And of course, there is the slave market which is another story entirely. Behind closed doors, there are young people and children, yes children, who are sex slaves. These did not come here on their own choosing. Their parents have been offered education and jobs for their children, but the reality is they are either tricked or deceived into this lifestyle or many are kidnapped, and then smuggled across national boundaries, raped and traumatized in order to gain power over them, threatened, and then enslaved. They don’t speak Thai or English. They are afraid and powerless. And in the midst of all this, prostitution is illegal.

It is more than I can explain to you. I strongly recommend you order Not for Sale: The Return of the Global Slave Trade – and How We Can Fight It by David Batstone. It will trouble you. It will disturb you. It will awaken you from any illusions you have that slavery is a thing of the past. It will inspire you to care, to speak on behalf of the weak. It will bring forth an abolitionist spirit inside you. It will change you if your heart is alive. The message is God’s message: Justice is for all. Would you submit your heart to God and just ask Him if you should read this book? For me, it was a point of realizing I had had my head stuck in the American illusionary sand and God had said, "Wake up!" We are inexcusable when we experience God’s love and refuse to share it. Not all are called to travel, but most are called to give, to support, to encourage people like Jason and Sarah. All are called to be informed. As God awakens our hearts, may you and I be faithful to care in tangible ways for anything less is cotton candy. And although denial may be our preferred mechanism of dealing with the hard realities of life, it is the truth that will make us free and our freedom should always call us to fight for others to have the same freedom.

Arise, O Sleeper!

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness, righteousness, and truth), finding out what is acceptable to the Lord. And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of those things which are done by them in secret. Bull all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light. For whatever makes manifest is light. Therefore He says, "Awake, you who sleep, Arise from the dead, And Christ will give you light." Ephesians 5:21

And remember, the truth brings freedom when it is acted upon.

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