Mikki's Blog - Living in the Grace and Love of God » Real life issues

Why You Must Go Back

Mikki — Tue, 18 May 2010 13:19:36 +0000

God’s ways are mysterious, beyond my understanding and often seem downright contradictory. While in my humanity, I prefer to think in straight lines which lend themselves to defining a goal as completed, a task marked off, I find that God’s ways are usually not pictured best by straight lines. They are paths which appear, at times, intertwined, difficult to map out, going forward, then backward, orbiting around a center, and often perplexing my human mind. The longer I walk with God, the more clearly I see that He is truly not confined to my limited understanding. He is working, often His deepest purposes in me, when I am clueless.

This week, I was meditating on two of the seemingly contradictory ways of God. In the next few days, I want to explore these two thoughts:

1. You must go back.
2. You can never go back.

Huh? Sounds confusing? I hope you are intrigued sufficiently to continue reading for both statements are true and I am not being ambivalent. There are times in life when you must absolutely go back. You must go back, as it were, in your mind, your emotions, your relationships, to moments of the past and experience the moments again. There are some very important reasons for us to go back. And in other ways, we must never go back and in fact, cannot do so, but that is for another day this week.

We are the sum total of our life story. Often we are not really happy about that. We all wish we could erase or at least, rewrite, pages, even entire chapters, of our story. I personally love the undo key on my computer. If only life were so simple! Surely it would be better if we could just get rid of the painful parts of our story! Yet with God, there is a sense in which we become better, stronger, more complete, because of those very parts of our story.

You might say, “How can I embrace the darkest days of my life? How can I accept the darkest parts of my story?” I can only share what I have experienced.
My life story has had many pages, even chapters, of failure, pain, and disappointment. For most of my life, I’ve done my “dead level best” to avoid thinking of those days. I tried my best to forget the painful chapters. Many times I’ve ripped up a photo if it made me think of something painful as if ripping it up would make its reality disappear. I learned to be quite an avoider of painful memories. Then my life fell, what appeared at the time to be, completely apart. Humpty Dumpty, who had a great fall, looked to be in great shape afterwards compared to me. But enter the mystery of God…

I’ve found that God’s deepest work in me often happens during days of my personal suffering. Certainly as Christ suffered on the cross, the greatest work of God was happening in and through the suffering. Suffering changes the human heart. It can transform us into strong, beautiful people who can walk in the contradictions of God’s ways or it can turn us into weak, bitter people who shake their fist at God and anyone else who would get too close to our wounds.

When I found myself in deep brokenness, I could no longer keep my painful memories stuffed inside their deep grave. They sprang forward for they were not dead and I found myself face to face, for the first time, with my story. Like a jack-in-a box, I tried to stuff the story back in but to no avail. Initially, I could only barely stand to take a quick peek at the previous chapters of my life, but I have learned to allow my heart to re-experience my story.

And I found this amazing mystery. It is my story that equips me. It is my story that connects me to humanity. It is my story that offers hope to others. It is my story that makes me accessible, approachable.

So today, I want to encourage you to go back. When the things of your past are still controlling who you are in the present, go back. When the things of your past are still influencing you in unhealthy ways, go back for you must go back in order to go forward. Here are some of the reasons you should go back:

1. To find healing. If a memory is still painful to see, to think about, to reflect upon, perhaps you need another level of healing in that place. God is not confined to time as we are. He can transport you, as it were, to those places where He longs to meet you to bring healing to you.

2. To gain understanding and perspective. When we are able to view our story with Christ, we can often find that it was not exactly what we had believed. Lies can be dismantled.

3. To find God. Going back can allow us to discover where God was in our story.

4. To grieve loss. If we haven’t truly grieved over a loss in our life, then we need to go back and experience that. God’s Word says there is a time to mourn.

5. To break the power of shame, guilt, and pain. Allowing the power of the cross to wash away the power of shame, guilt, and pain can bring deep healing to our souls.

6. To find compassion for your own heart. Many of you need to ask God to show you how to have compassion on your own heart. Self-hatred is a tool of the enemy.

7. To find the common themes of your story. These can help you find your purpose in life.

8. To find hope for the future.

9. To discover keys to helping others.

So today, I want to say, “You must go back!” If part of your story is buried alive, if you have ignored, denied, or avoided your story, it’s time to go back. Redemptively. Just as William Paul Young describes how Mack in The Shack has to go back to a painful time in his life to find restoration and healing, we must do the same. The beauty of going back is the mystery of how the going back becomes the key to going forward.

Perhaps your “going back” should be done in the presence of a spiritual director, a counselor, or a very trusted friend. Certainly, it should always be done with the leading of God’s Spirit for he is THE COUNSELOR. He knows when and how we should address our past. Our part is to cooperate with his work when he is leading us in the paths of redemption. Nothing is wasted with God. As Richard Rohr says, “In God’s reign, “everything belongs,” even the broken and poor parts.”

May God’s grace lead you in paths of healing as you continue to learn more about His mysterious ways.

Wake Up!

Mikki — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 04:46:57 +0000

A busy ministry schedule has limited my time to blog, but I want to give a quick update.

This is a land of great darkness, but more than that, it is a land of great need of the light of God’s love. Our ministry here has focused on sharing the love of God to the people of Thailand and also to Jason and Sarah Ricketts, who are missionaries here.

I have walked the streets of Pattaya where there are thousands of prostitutes and hundreds of bars. Men come here from around the world for sex. Young girls and boys sell their bodies in order to make money. They are often illiterate and have no marketable skills other than their very body. The damage to their souls is beyond measure. Yet there are some here who are endeavoring to share God’s love. They teach free English classes. They teach marketable skills. They provide counseling for the trauma; most of the young girls have been raped more than once. So many have come here in order to honor their families by providing financially for them. That is important in this culture. Most families know their girls come here to work in the bars. They know their girls will become prostitutes. It is an acceptable means of employment. However, most know nothing of the horrors these young girls will experience. And once the girls experience the horrors of prostitution, instead of honor, they find intense shame and feel unable to go back to their families. Isnt’ that the enemy’s classic strategy? Empty promises and bondage in the very place you thought would bring freedom.

And of course, there is the slave market which is another story entirely. Behind closed doors, there are young people and children, yes children, who are sex slaves. These did not come here on their own choosing. Their parents have been offered education and jobs for their children, but the reality is they are either tricked or deceived into this lifestyle or many are kidnapped, and then smuggled across national boundaries, raped and traumatized in order to gain power over them, threatened, and then enslaved. They don’t speak Thai or English. They are afraid and powerless. And in the midst of all this, prostitution is illegal.

It is more than I can explain to you. I strongly recommend you order Not for Sale: The Return of the Global Slave Trade – and How We Can Fight It by David Batstone. It will trouble you. It will disturb you. It will awaken you from any illusions you have that slavery is a thing of the past. It will inspire you to care, to speak on behalf of the weak. It will bring forth an abolitionist spirit inside you. It will change you if your heart is alive. The message is God’s message: Justice is for all. Would you submit your heart to God and just ask Him if you should read this book? For me, it was a point of realizing I had had my head stuck in the American illusionary sand and God had said, "Wake up!" We are inexcusable when we experience God’s love and refuse to share it. Not all are called to travel, but most are called to give, to support, to encourage people like Jason and Sarah. All are called to be informed. As God awakens our hearts, may you and I be faithful to care in tangible ways for anything less is cotton candy. And although denial may be our preferred mechanism of dealing with the hard realities of life, it is the truth that will make us free and our freedom should always call us to fight for others to have the same freedom.

Arise, O Sleeper!

For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light (for the fruit of the Spirit is in all goodness, righteousness, and truth), finding out what is acceptable to the Lord. And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather expose them. For it is shameful even to speak of those things which are done by them in secret. Bull all things that are exposed are made manifest by the light. For whatever makes manifest is light. Therefore He says, "Awake, you who sleep, Arise from the dead, And Christ will give you light." Ephesians 5:21

And remember, the truth brings freedom when it is acted upon.

The Inner Journey

Mikki — Thu, 07 Jan 2010 12:21:45 +0000

In his journey to list the seasons of life, the writer of Ecclesiastes throws this one in…

There is a time to kill and a time to heal. Ecclesiastes 3:3

Since this section of scripture was originally written in Hebrew, and we now have it translated into English, perhaps it would be helpful to know what the original Hebrew words meant. The Hebrew word used here for “heal” means to mend, to cure, to repair, make whole, heal, or physically cure. The Hebrew word used here for kill means to smite with deadly intent, to wound.

What kind of things do we need to kill? We need to kill the things which are enemies of our spiritual, mental, and emotional health. Learning to identify what things need to be killed is the tricky part. Our discernment is not always perfect.

Dying to our flesh and living unto Christ means killing the things that take our away our breath and our ability to breathe in the life-giving spirit of Christ.

For example, when I struggle with judgment, unforgiveness, bitterness, malice, etc., these are things I need to deal with. They take away my spiritual, mental, and emotional health. But how do I deal with them? Ah, here is the part that takes wisdom and discernment. Yes, these things need to go, but why are they there in the first place? This is important to know. For example, if I struggle with anger, it may not just be anger which needs to be put to death. What is the source of my anger? Perhaps it is really fear. Oftentimes the issues we try to put to death are really issues that need to be healed. They will never die if we just bury them alive. They will just pop up in some other area of our lives. Don’t ask me how I know.

Sometimes we Christians set out to kill all our “enemies” when some of what we view as an enemy is really our friend. Instead of being an enemy, my anger might in reality be my friend telling me that something is wrong in my heart, something deeper than my anger. Maybe there is a deep wound which needs to be healed, or perhaps I have what we might call “root issues” or issues stemming from my family of origin. These issues color all our perceptions and relationships.

As I look back at the things which have been giants throughout my life, I remember one of the moments when I looked into the eyes of the giant called the fear of abandonment. I was looking back over my life story with my counselor. And for me, it was a moment of acknowledging the plans of the enemy which had been tailored against me specifically. Having been adopted at birth, I had this deep sense of having been abandoned. The story had been played out over and over again in my life. And the details really don’t matter, what matters is that I faced it and continue to face it at times. That fear hindered my relationship with God and others. It led me to build walls around my heart, keeping others out so they could never get close enough to hurt me by abandoning me. Acknowledging this fear made me feel vulnerable but I sensed the challenge of the Holy Spirit. Would I risk unveiling this deep place within my heart or would I resist the work of God’s Spirit who was leading me to healing waters? Would I take down the walls I had unknowingly built around my heart now that I could see them? Would I make myself vulnerable at this moment while my husband and counselor watched? And if I risked taking down those walls, did I have the promise of never being abandoned again? This is an issue I have with God. He promises good for our hearts, but He doesn’t guarantee a bump-free flight in getting to the land of good. In Psalm 42, the Psalmist paints the picture of a deer panting for living water. It is really a picture of vulnerability. The words used indicate that this was a mature deer, educated by the experiences of his life. He took a risk by openly drinking from this stream, yet his thirst drove him. I felt like that deer during that moment. Would my thirst for healing and freedom be enough to drive me out into the openness? I stepped into the open. I wish I could say that I have always stayed there ever since that moment. I haven’t, but I have learned to increasingly live in that place.

Like taking down the walls around a city, walls that were built to keep enemies out, makes that city visible and accessible to friends and enemies alike, taking down the walls around my heart has allowed others into my life in ways that make me more vulnerable and at the same time, allowed me to be more deeply intimate with my family, friends, and church. It has allowed me to drink deeply of living waters. As I have written before, it is the both/and principle of God. I have become more vulnerable AND stronger at the same time. Not one or the other, but both/and. God’s ways are so mysterious, aren’t they?

One of the benefits/risks (both/and) of being vulnerable is that I have gained some friends who hold my feet to the fire, so to speak, refusing to let me run away when the temperature gets hot. They hold my feet to the fire if I drift away from what my heart knows is true. Recently a friend asked me, ‘Why is it so difficult for you to write your thoughts in greeting cards when you can write your feelings for the world to read?” Ouch, I was nailed. I looked right at her and said, “Because it is more intimate writing to someone I am deeply in relationship with; it is more risky; you might reject me. The world wide web is not nearly so personal.” Her eyes said she got it, but she won’t let me by with it anymore. She and other dear ones keep watch over my soul to help me identify when the “enemies” are in close proximity.

Then a spiritual brother of mine shared with me how he had difficulty writing to those close to him and he wondered why. When I shared my journey, he shook his head and acknowledged the “ouch” of the truth’s pain. He shared that he had been working through that, particularly with his daughter, but now gained insight from my story.

So back to my original point. There is a time to kill. A time to kill the enemies of our soul but first we must discern what the enemy looks like. Perhaps a short list would include the opposites of the fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control). We need to put to death what Paul calls selfish ambition, envy and strife. We need to smite these things with deadly intent because they are serious enemies.

In the Old Testament days, God sometimes had his people go in and kill all the enemy. In my humanness, I probably can’t explain that, but one thing I do know is that God’s message was that the enemy would continue to perpetuate the things that would destroy God’s children as long as they were allowed to exist in any shape, form, or fashion.

Thank God for the New Testament! But the principle is still applicable. In the New Testament, we are shown that the land we need to conquer is our internal land. The enemies of our spiritual life need to be dealt with. Seriously. We can do that by bringing those enemies into the light and allowing the work of the cross to put them to death.

And as we deal with other people, we need great wisdom. Let us not be too quick to tell others how to deal with certain issues until we know God’s heart on the matter. Let’s make sure we identify the enemy for when we deal with the hearts and souls of humanity, we have an awesome responsibility and an amazing privilege. It seems to me that the more time we spend pursuing our own enemies, the more easily we can recognize the true enemies in others and they are not always what we would assume they are. Sometimes, the enemy is camouflaged. My husband and sons are avid sportsmen, therefore I know a lot about camouflage. Camouflage needs to be adapted for different terrains and it must be changed according to the season. Satan camouflages in the same way. He disguises himself and his plans in order to disappear into the terrain on which we are living so that he is not obvious unless we slow down and take a good look. His disguises change with the seasons but that shouldn’t discourage us because with each passing season, we have the potential to gain wisdom for the next one and we have the potential of growing in relationships with others who can help us identify our enemies.

So whether it is a time to kill or a time to heal or both, there is always grace for the season we find ourselves in. Journey on, my friend.