Sep
19

I Have Something to Say

By

This morning I had a somewhat humorous conversation with God. It went something like this:

Me: God, tell Eddie (my husband) that he hurt my feelings last night.

God: No, you tell him. You’ve got a voice. Use it.

At which point, I pretty much burst into laughter. You see, I’ve been working quite hard for the last few years at learning to use my voice. Oh, not just for day to day chit-chat. I’ve been pretty good at that for some time now but for many years I had struggled with really sharing my most intimate thoughts with others, my husband included.

One of the things I have learned is that our life stories tend to have a theme. They have a theme in at least a couple of ways. Our lives tell the story of God’s purposes for us and they tell the story of the enemy’s assault against us.

Let me illustrate.

In the last few years, I have discovered more and more that one of God’s purposes for me is to communicate His truths to people. I’ve done that primarily through teaching and speaking and more recently, through writing.

I have had to fight my fears in order to feel confident in my ability to do this. Why would I have such a difficult time doing something that God has destined me to do?

Ah, enter the enemy of my soul. You see, Satan is an observer. He watches our lives unfold and often has identified our life purpose before we have even thought of it. One way that he does this is by observing our family line. Yes, giftings can flow in family lines just as physical illnesses do, i.e., high-blood pressure, diabetes, etc. Of course, our genealogy is not the only determinant in our destiny. Well, I suppose I am chasing a rabbit. Back to my fears.

Fourth grade. I had to speak before my class. No problem. It was tape-recorded. Problem. Living in North Alabama had influenced my speech. (those of you who know me are saying, “Uh, yah, that’s obvious!) Seems I was pronouncing “egg” incorrectly, something like “agg”. It’s painful for me to even write it. Seriously! Well, my teacher was not about to allow me to be corrupted in such an awful way so she made me repeat “egg” over and over and over – on tape- and replayed it for my ears and my classmates’ ears to hear until I could say it correctly. Well, it must have taken a while because I can still feel the humiliation even now -but not to worry, I am smiling about it as I write:)

Enter Fear of Speaking, pt. 1.

Ninth grade. English class play. Romeo and Juliet. Nah, I wasn’t Juliet. I was the nurse, but I loved it!

Twefth grade. Speech class. Loved it! (great teacher, by the way- huge influence on my life)

So off to junior college. Speech class. My teacher hated my voice. That Southern thing again, but yet my twin brother was in the class and she loved him. Figure that? Anyway, an “A” student, I got a “C” in speech. More fear of speaking.

Later in college, another teacher bound and determined to rid me of any desire to communicate. She would call on me to answer a question, she would then proceed to rip me up and tear me apart. By this time, I seriously could not even make an announcment in my little country church. My voice would shake and tremble. I couldn’t breathe. My fear of speaking became so much greater than my desire to communicate.

Am I exaggerating? I don’t think so. Having listened to many, many life stories through the years in pastoral care, I have often seen that the themes of attack seem to come right in the areas of call and purpose.

Add to this “public speaking fear” some of the other attacks on my heart and voice throughout the years and the result was a woman who had a hard time using her voice.

Now God, who loves me and desires for me to fulfill all His design for my life, has been working steadily to bring me out of such bondage. Bit by bit. Little by little.

I am amused as I think of my husband and I sitting in an office with a marriage counselor who again and again asked me, “Did you tell him that?” to which I would answer, “No”, again and again.

I figure anyone who serves God should be a pretty good mind reader, right? Well, not according to this counselor. I was supposed to “speak”. Go figure? (and I paid good money for that advice!)

So I’ve fought for my voice. .

I’ve struggled to be confident in what I think and who I am, but it’s a battle I am winning!

One of the ways I am winning this battle is through this blog.

God is full of paradoxes. When I found myself without a platform to speak almost three years ago, I began to write and I found that writing is easier than pie for me. It just flows out. The world of blogosphere has been a wonderful place for me to process my thoughts and be a real woman of God in a real world. Now most days, there are more than 200 different readers from all over the world who read my blog.

Back to my prayer this morning. I love how God knows us individually. He responds to us personally. That’s why I laughed aloud when I clearly heard Him tell me, “No. You have a voice. Use it.”

And by the way, I did! My husband and I had a great talk after which I felt loved and understood. Voila!

Truthfully, he is my greatest cheerleader. We had a fight the other day. We didn’t even agree when it was over but the next day, my husband smiled at me and said, “You know what I thought during that fight? That little girl inside you has found her voice.”

I have!

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Comments

  1. Glenda says:

    I have worked long and hard on emotional honesty, too. It is a great skill.

    As a former teacher, I am really sorry that your teacher was so insensitive and did not embrace your accent.

    Fondly,
    Glenda

  2. sheila brinson says:

    Bless your pea pickin southern heart! I say wear it proud my dear… Why should we allow someone to say which dialect is the right way! How boring that would be! Ive always had the greatest respect for you simply because I love your smile!! I have learned to love the south and Im a yankee! You just have to take the time to understand her ways! Just like you need to allow your husband to understand yours, Good or bad God put you here and He made you wonderful. He takes special pride in each one of His creations. But communication is key to the universe whether it be between one another or with HIM!!! I love ya and I pray ya talk his ole head off!!!

  3. Terri Wardlaw says:

    Mikki,

    It has been awesome to watch you on your journey! In reading this I remembered several years ago the Sunday morning teaching you gave at Faith on Fear. That was still one of the most powerful releases of truth from God’s word I have heard! When I think of it..my spirit is stirred up still! I love you and see God raising your voice up stronger in days to come! Love who you are..and becoming…. I think God is beginning to more clearly show us who we are in His Kingdom…wow!! Blessings my sister!! – Keep on walking!! :))

  4. Hi Mikki,
    I saw your blog entry on Joni’s wall and wanted to say that it really spoke to my heart. What struck me the most was all the similarities that tried to shut me down and keep me quiet for a long time just like you.

    But unlike you I am a talkative person and am by no means shy. However just because I talk does not mean that I do not struggle with speaking up.

    In fact many times I shut my mouth and wont talk in fear that I would be told to be quiet. I used to feel like the song “You talk too much” by Joe Jones that was written in the 50’s was written just for me (just kidding but not really)

    When I was a little girl and all through out my life one of the main stories my mother delighted in telling me and every one else, was that I did not speak until I was 2 yrs old.
    She said if I wanted something I would scream and stomp or tug at someone and point. I said no words. Not mamma, not daddy, nothing.
    Well two days before my birthday (the 23rd of December) my mother was hanging curtains standing on top of a step stool.
    So in order to get her attention I began pulling on the curtains. She said she tried to get me to go away and got stern with me which was my darling {now in glory} mother’s habit.

    Well as I continued she probably yelled for the others in the family to come and get me (this pesky ‘almost’ two year old) who was dragging her curtains down.

    Well to her utter surprise she almost fell off of the step stool when I said to her quite sternly myself in my 2 year old voice, and I quote “Mommy don’t you dare ‘sout’ at me”.
    So in utter amazement she yelled out to the others in the family to come quickly and said: (get this) “The Dummy Can Talk” “The Dummy Can talk”.

    Then she scooped me up in her arms and was so elated as they thought I was mute.
    Now please understand that my mother was in no way being mean to me.
    at least she did not perceive it as being mean.

    This was their term of endearment they used for me because back in the day in 1961 it was not considered bad it was just what they thought I was a (dummy aka mute)

    Now even though my parents where the kindest and most loving “God loving” people I knew, when my mother used to tell her story (what she considered to be quite funny and a praise report) it pierced my soul and for a very long time it hurt me. Until years later when the Lord began to talk to me about being His oracle. He told me quite clearly in my heart (you know how He does) that I was His “Dummy {Ventriloquist Dummy that is) when I allow Him to talk through me.

    And that is what we all who love the Lord and do not hold our tongues are His mouth piece “speaker” like on a radio in the earth.

    Thanks for stirring up the gift in my and giving me my next blog post. “The Dummy Can Talk”

    I look forward to reading more of your gems from heaven and hope that you will drop by my blog I would love to have you as a follower (you on the side bar “Follow me as I Follow Christ” ) if you would like to be it would be an honour.

    Anyway blessing as I am sure I will tap at you again soon.

    Blessings and Prayers, Soroya aka SS Firedancer

  5. Debbi Carlson says:

    Well I happen to LOVE your southern accent! I Wish I had one! Maybe in time, I WILL :>) If only teachers realized the impact they have on people… for good or for evil. I will pray more for them to be more sensitive.
    I love you MIkki.

  6. Deborah Cain says:

    Thank you for sharing, you have touched my heart! I am one of many women who have struggled to be able to use their voice! But the Lord always has a way!

  7. Ginger says:

    I am so glad you have found that voice and am able to share with you through your blog.

  8. diana says:

    dear mikki
    praise the Lord for your voice! it is so beautiful and I love hearing from you-blogosphere or telephone or (hope among hope) in person.
    Your rock!

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